In Which Unforgivable Things Are Said

Lynde Falconer to Thomas Crowder

Well, Tom, I suppose it is possible that I have been so long away from home that I am no longer qualified to comment on fashionable etiquette in Dumcruckle, however, here in the capital, where I am sure you must admit the fashions are as current as they can be anywhere, an affianced young man who spends so much of his time in mutual admiration with someone not his betrothed would be looked upon with a raised eyebrow at best. I bow to your evidently superior knowledge, however, and will certainly say no more as it seems to threaten your delicate sensibilities.

Will you be so kind to inform my father that starting in about a fortnight, further communications will not reach me here in the capital for at least the next few weeks and will need to be held? The queen has arranged a diplomatic mission for the princess, upon which I will naturally be obliged to accompany her. I have not yet been informed of its precise nature except that it will involve a sea voyage – not the most secure method of travel in these parlous times, but of course I follow orders. Tell Father not to worry too much, since I will of course not be the princess’ only protection, and in any case it is necessary sometimes to take the risks that are given us so that others may live on in comfort. I will endeavor to do whatever needs to be done with pride and duty, for the honor of Dumcruckle and the Falconer name.

Lynde

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Thomas Crowder to Lynde Falconer

My dear Lynde,

I don’t know what it would take to convince you that there is nothing whatsoever between myself and your cousin Minnie, and I suppose a saner man would stop trying. But injustice pains me, and I really do think your position is a very unfair one. Am I to cut myself off from all interactions with women for the length of our betrothal? And will this policy extend to the life of our eventual marriage?

If so, we must certainly give careful thought to the scope of the prohibition. Does it extend to Lady Dumcruckle? Katti? The schoolchildren here? May I ride no female horse, nor pat any hound in the kennel which is not suitably equipped? In that case I believe I am entitled to insist that you show me the same courtesy in the matter of men, and cease any martial activities with the soldiery of the Tower. It may seem an onerous burden, but if betrothal prevents me from casual conversation with a young woman to whom I owe duties of family and hospitality, merely because she troubles herself to be charming about it, then I think it only fair that it similarly prohibit you from your pungent mock-fights with inarticulate and muscle-bound young men.

This whole thing is a farce, and I abhor it. Do, I beg of you, return to your senses so that we may go on as before – both of us.

Tom

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Lynde Falconer to Thomas Crowder

Tom,

The reason I do not trouble to be charming, as you put it, is that I thought you were above such posturing nonsense and I consider it an exhausting bore to have to flirt with one’s own husband to keep his eye from straying. I am grieved to hear that my manner is not to your taste, but perhaps it is best that we learn this about each other now, before we do anything irreparable.

You neatly make a fool of me by inflating ridiculous arguments and then puncturing them, but you know as well as I do that they are ridiculous. All I can do is reiterate that the warmth of a betrothed man’s affections is said to belong to his betrothed, and if you prefer to bestow them upon another, then perhaps it is the relationship that should change.

As for the young men whose figures, manners of expression and personal odor you are pleased to mock, I would remind you that they are soldiers serving their country, as am I, and are willing to risk life and limb that you and others like you may continue to mock them safely in our language and not another’s.

As you don’t mention my forthcoming journey, I am forced to assume that you do not attach very much importance to it, but I hope you were able to retain it long enough to give the necessary communication to my father and anyone else who might care.

Lynde

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Thomas Crowder to Lynde Falconer

If you think so little of my attachment to you that you really think I don’t care where you go and how much danger you are in, then I am frankly astonished that you accepted my proposal in the first place. But that isn’t the point, is it? You are off to war, and I am living soft among the women, and you look at me from the distance of history’s chosen and wonder why you bound yourself. And it’s true – I am not brave; I do not fight; I sit and read and enjoy myself; while better men assist my own affianced wife to protect me and other such weights on society. Do you think I am not sufficiently galled by this without your reminders?

I am forced to conclude that you say such things either because you know nothing whatsoever about me, or because you no longer care. In any case, you must settle your own future in the way that you think is right; I will not attempt to influence you to continue a relationship you find repugnant.

Tom